Green Arrow's journal of crime fighting and goatee maintenance.

pink triangle on her sleeve let me know the truth

2005-05-06T19:22:00.000-07:00

Roy's been kidnapped again. Huzzah. He gets his ass kicked by Slade, fucks up big with the Outsiders, and now he disappears from the smoking rubble of a bank. I raised that kid better than that.

Anyway, so yesterday I went into Mia's room to bitch at her for not cleaning out the lint trap on the dryer (AGAIN) after she used it. She's laying on her bed reading a very dog-eared copy of The Love Songs of Sappho. Huh. Well, I just assumed that this is the time in a young girl's life when she considers such things.

Me: So, uh, how's the book?

Her: Its okay, I guess.

Me: Well, if youre into the Sapphic mode, you should pick up some Catullus.

Her: I'll tell Connor.

Me: ?

Her: Its his. I borrowed it from him. Its kinda hard to read, cuz he's underlined a bunch of stuff and wrote all in the margins.

Oh. Goddamn.

I havent been this confused since I coached Power Girls softball team. I thought, ya know, just because they're all, you know, doesn't mean they're all, you know. Turns out, yeah. It did. I went home and listened to Weezer's "Pink Triangle" on repeat for 45 minutes and got drunk on Rheingold.

...

2005-04-18T19:22:00.001-07:00

who took my last goddamn newcastle?

ollie vs. george hamilton

2005-03-24T22:20:00.000-08:00

during mia's one allotted hour on the internet per day (see a previous post for the trouble caused by a panamanian colonel and a poor understanding of rudimentary global economics), she stumbled across this. why the hell is my face so goddamn tan, while the rest of my body is roughly the same shade as the inside of an undercooked salmon filet? plus, where the fuck are my pants? "i modified the costume when i was a kid?" in order to, what, make me look a gay cabaret star? thanks, chefee831.

in watchtower news, the JSA stopped by for a weekend training session. they may very well be the most irritating fuckers known to man. that little black kid and his lil' john cd's at all hours (WHAT!), the atom smasher sneezing and accidentally growing to 25 feet tall and breaking the chandelier in the ball room, and hourman doing coke off of any flat surface in the watchtower (what did you think was in that hourglass, sand?) made the weekend pass slower than the nbc version of the office (which, by the way, is the most ill-conceived idea since t.j. hooker. it's far too british to ever be translatable).

super drinkin' buddies are GO!

2005-02-28T23:26:00.000-08:00

well, thank fuck that hal jordan's on his way back. i shit you not, that man could pound some brews. it'll be nice to have someone in the tower who can drink like his nuts have dropped. kyle rayner drinks that smirnoff ice shit and gets drunk off of three of them. i like the kid, but he's yet to learn what it means to be a leaguer. AN OLD-SCHOOL LEAGUER, mind you. when hal gets back, maybe we'll take him out for a night of debauchery. the little boy could use some PBR and pullin' ho's. maybe we'll even tell him about the time we yanked diana's bra and took shots of jager out of it till we chundered.

btw, this for you HAWKMAN: the next time you criticize my taste in contemporary lit, i kick your ass. crystal? i mean, there i am, reading irvine welsh's filth, and mr. double-pep-nip comes in and starts lecturing me about moral degeneracy. i ken degenerates. i've given more jakeys a seein' tae than you ever have, silly wee lassie. (if you don't get the dialect, then you're a GOP fanny-licker like carter.)

Back from vacation

2005-01-17T22:05:00.000-08:00

So it's been a while. I've been internet-less for a while. To make a long story short, I had to jerk the ethernet hub out of the house after I caught Mia IM'ing a Panamanian colonel nude photos of herself. After I explained the Panamanian-to-US Dollar exchange rate, she seemed to lose interest. However, one can never be too sure.

It's been a bit slow after the whole "Jean Loring goes apeshit and kills everyfuckingbody to get her husband back when dinner and hummer would do" thing. It seems that Bruce, with his not-so-subtle capitalist machinations, sub-contracted the JLA out to run security for the Inauguration. He claims that it's due to our bills, but several of us suspect that it's because of the First Lady's striking resemblance to a certain arch-nemesis. It seems we're in the red due to the enormous expense incurred by Captain Atom and 4 of his old Army buddies getting drunk on Beast Ice and trashing the Watchtower. He has, of course, been reprimanded. Unfortunately, being a radioactive mass with a buzz cut is not, as it turns out, that profitable; thus, he cannot repay the costs himself. Fucker.

Anyway, look for more frequent updates now that Mia is off IM probation.

at leeast it ain't the herp.

2004-10-15T23:21:00.000-07:00

well, mia has the hivvies. and despite what wonder woman says, with all her feminist "all men are rapist in their own little way" rhetoric, i have never stuck it in her or anyone under 19 before (that malaysian prostitute SWORE she was legal, even in malaysia). mia probably got the hiv from the costa rican lt. colonel who offered to buy her from me during our vacation in cancun (apparently the exchange rate is one 16-year-old girl endowed with the perkiest of bossoms equals 15 gallons of third-world insecticide). anyway, it's not my problem, and connor's a monk, so we're probably good on this one. (however, it will be kinda icky to watch her wither and die from the inside out like an over-nuked hot pocket.)

btw, hawkman, if you're gonna rock the shirtless thing, at least shave your enormous pepperoni nipples. there's a fine line between overt masculinity and sasquatch-esque hirsuteness.

funerals and foghat

2004-09-19T23:02:00.000-07:00

as a few of you have noted, i have indeed been away for awhile. and sam, my dear, sweet sam, it has unfortunately been due to that identity crisis thing. i had to go to sue's funeral, a formal occassion which required no less than 3 hours of goatee-grooming, my best, least-soiled pair of tights and a new feather for my cap, which those identity crisis guys drew way too small. then i had to go off chasing dr. light, which as it turns out didn't do it anyway. this caused some complications, primarily that i got the shit kicked outta me by slade. (CAVEAT: i don't care what ralph dibney says, i do not have a bald spot. he's just jealous. plus, he's been drinking a lot lately.)

but i'm back with few stories to tell.

first, carter has totally started shaving his chest. he came in one day and acted like nothing was different, though it was frightfully noticeable that it no longer looked as though he had glued a roadkill to his chest. he insisted that he had not, in fact, waxed his pecs even after the second-day stubble was showing. clark suggested that maybe it was time for hawkman to actually invest in a shirt. second, diana finally had it out with atom for always picking her shoulder to sit on during meetings. i mean, it was pretty obvious that was looking right at those puppies the whole time. my god, who know's where the hell else he's been.

also, the latest chapter in the roommate from hell saga: bats has taken up the guitar. i promptly pointed out that everyone plays guitar and he should take up the viola or the oboe if he wants to be unique, but no, i have to endure "enter sandman" and the ubiquitous "stairway" at all hours. fortunately, dr. fate called earlier and we're going to have a beer later. i could use one after listening to bruce practice the solo in foghat's "fool for the city" for the last 3 hours.

god i'm tired

2004-09-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

wow. rough week. after that guy encased star city in that bubble filled with sword-wielding demons, the black canary had to come and break up with me, just because i MAY have made a 16-year-old girl kill a guy who totally had it coming. this happens all the time. she'll come crawling back soon enough. just give her time to realize that she left her dokken greatest hits cd at my apartment.

there's been an ugly rumor going around the watchtower lately, and it's time i put it to bed. during the period that i wore the hood-thing rather than my pointy-feathered-hat-thing, it WAS NOT TO COVER CUP HAIR PLUGS. i have not now, nor have i ever, had hair plugs. my golden locks are all me, and always have been. i don't care what hawkman says. besides, why do you think he wears that helmet? huh? that's what i thought.

now, i'm going to watch my office dvds.

scary.

2004-09-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

these people are frighteningly in need of medication. according to the hulk, this shit as existed since the 70's.

i need at least 3 showers

2004-09-01T17:33:00.000-07:00

so me and connor had a slight run in with solomon grundy tonight, which we subsequently crammed in a holding cell in the watchtower. etc, etc, anyway whilst interrogating this botanical behemoth, he totally fired one off. yessireebob. it had the overwhelming bouquet of a dead skunk that had just crawled out of the ass of another dead skunk and i swear to god you could almost see it. so grundy chuckles and says, "i'll bring it up again and we can vote on it." i informed him that that was very juvenile, to which he responded by mocking my tights.

also, as if relations weren't tense enough between me and bats, he announced today that he was growing a goatee. A GOATEE! i informed him that my goat was, in fact, the alpha and omega of facial accoutrements, and any feeble attempt at chin-topiary that he might offer would be laughed right out of the tower. he replied by "whatever"-ing me and then announced that he used the last of my mary kate and ashley body wash. fucker.

road rash

2004-08-30T20:46:00.000-07:00

after nearly a week, i have returned (semi) triumphant. one vintage loveseat that looks as though it belongs under dr. honeybear's ass, one ottoman, a bit tattered, but who could pass up burgundy pleather with faux brass fittings, and one of those rattan bowl shaped swingy things i love so well. as i've said, they're a bit mid-90's, but i don't give a fuck. plus, i made off with a bonus linda rondstadt poster completely gratis from a flea market just outside reno.

while i was away, i discovered that me and bat's room in the watchtower had been irreparably besmyrched, even more so than when bruce drops a power dump (on purpose, by the way) during re-runs of the courtship of eddie's father. hawk and dove, the incestual duo, apparently crashed there during my hiatus. hawk left empty pbr cans everywhere, and i'm pretty sure dove spilled a five gallon bucket of gay all over my side of the bathroom. when i confronted him about it, he responded by saying that all he did "was re-organize my moisturizers by aloe content and that i must be the gay one since i took a cross-country junket to by vintage furniture." as i see it, it all comes down the size of one's bikini-cut exterior codpiece. and that, little man, is mine.

as i eased along america's highways in my sweet-ass jetta, i was continuously bombarded by stares of feminine longing that seemed to say "ollie, you adonis of an archer, won't you pull that beast over and sling me some ding-dong?" i finally gave in to one girl's longing. she was a nubile young redhead with obviously exquisite taste. when i stepped out of my ride, she simply said something derogatory about my choice of tunes (which, at the moment, was either abba's dancing queen or rick springfield's greatest hits. it's only one song, but there's an extended dance mix.) and sped off. but i totally could have gotten some.

i also learned that i hate watching fat people eat.

papazan chair i could have?

2004-08-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

i'm taking a road trip. not the fun, bonding-filled kind that hal and i took eons ago. no, i'm going cross-country in my '98 jetta, attempting to find furniture and furnishings for my new apartment, and to stop off in cleveland to go beering with these guys.

i'm not speaking to batman at the moment (with whom i share a bathroom during our shifts at the jla watchtower), so this super-spat has driven me to find a bigger apartment in star city, since i'll be spending less time in the watchtower. what i'm getting at here is, i won't be posting for the next few days. i just need to get away, to experience the open road and the wind in my goatee again. (also, the little slut operators at ikea no longer take my orders because of an incident that they should've well gotten over by now.) so, i need furniture. cool furniture. trendy furniture at ROCK BOTTOM PRICES.

to think, all this is because bats won't 'courtesy flush' when he decides to take the slam of the century when i'm doing my pilates.

on another note, dr. fate sent me a link to the incredible hulk's blog. apparently, hawkeye (my effeminate purple doppleganger) is talking shit about the emerald archer. well, hawkeye, i guess i'd be a pederast and career-masturbator if this were my mom too.

request granted

2004-08-24T10:54:00.000-07:00

ok, so this is for the guy who posted a comment to my last entry. ask and ye shall receive, kiddies.

1. the history of j'onn's oreo obsession started when he watched the movie Rounders, where matt damon is a semi-pro poker whiz and john malkovich plays a russian mafioso-cum-poker hustler who eats oreos compulsively at the poker table. j'onn thought this was, as he said, "wicked badass." i must also note that j'onn has a history of imitating malkovich behaviours, such as drilling a hole into his own head after seeing 'Being John Malkovich.' lantern and i agreed that he missed the movie's point completely.

2. if you want to know how i feel about hawkman, here goes. he's been pretty pissy with me since he found out about the whole www.hawkgirlsshowerwebcam.com debacle, which was in no way my fault. i just showed captain atom how to set up a domain name. then, he accused me of being a lush and foppish dandy besides, just because i use product in my hair (both facial and otherwise.) the coup d'gras came when he told bullseye that i use a bronzer lotion, which i use to help give my muscles definition. so, in return for that, hawkman, here you go.

-for some reason, the blog won't let me make this link work, so i'll do it the ugly way.

www.imaginomicon.com/ wizardworld2003/hawkman.htm

haha. bitch.

there are no words

2004-08-24T00:32:00.000-07:00

will someone PLEASE commit a crime in star city worthy of my attention? i am so bored. so bored, in fact, that tonight i got drunk off green stripe and jacked around on craiglist. i have to stop doing this because i find items in the employment section like this.

i'm no judy garland, but

2004-08-23T12:25:00.000-07:00

if you are gay and bored, please do not alleviate your boredom by becoming gay and dressed like me. there is already an instance of this below, and people keep sending me these links and it has to stop. if you want to dress up like me, don't. there is no occasion where this is acceptable. especially in the above link. velour? FUCKING VELOUR? have i ever worn velour? maybe he wasn't going for my look, though. after all, the Velvetine Butt Dart would strike fear in the hearts of evil-doers.

btw

2004-08-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

my new AIM is oqgreenarrow. aim me if you're bored. maybe i'll be bored too.

hands off my stuff!

2004-08-22T22:55:00.000-07:00

someone in the watchtower has been playing my guitar. i'm not saying that i suspect anyone in particular, but i saw robin thumbing through a canned heat fakebook. that little elfin-shod fucker better respect the 71 telecaster custom.

some little bastard was trying to pry open a newpaper machine on porter ave. this afternoon. i took it pretty easy on him. i gave him a couple of lumps and a stern lecture about ripping off small-fry shit like that. don't waste my time. i missed a clinique sample sale because of this.

also, if you're reading this APACHE CHIEF, stop drunk-dialing me. if i gave a shit about you, i would stage an intervention. your real name is leland. you're not apache, but rather a quarter mestizo. and i will not go into the roofing business with you and your brother-in-law.

the dude abides

2004-08-21T22:56:00.000-07:00

slow out tonight. nobody even tried to rob huang's liquors on clayton and 3rd.

while i was there, however, i did pick up a fifth of johnnie walker and some hurricane mix for flash. he talks tough shit, but he's a total lightweight. he also tries to hide the fact that he drinks that smirnoff twist stuff when he thinks no one's around.

after that, i basically got drunk with hawkman and watched the big lebowski again. he's kind of an emo drunk though.

suggestions?

2004-08-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

so, aquaman has been hinting that i might need to change up the goatee a little. he says that goatees are out of style and i look a bond villain or a registered sex offender with it. i told him that i kept quiet while he went through that whole hulk hogan-mullet-thing a while back, and that he lives under the ocean and consequently does not have his finger on pulse of metro fashion.

i did a little research and discovered that my signature goat is not, in fact, called the "arrow swerve," but rather the "van dyke," which is a silly name for the arrow swerve. so i'm thinking of making a change. at the moment, it's a toss up between the soul patch and the isaac asimov chinstrap.

if you have any suggestions, let me know. i'd like to get to prove aquanet wrong for once.

respec'

2004-08-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

ok, so the martian manhunter made fun of me when i said i might change my name to OllieG. it's not like i'd wear fubu and goggles and stuff, i just thought it would be funny and maybe i'd get a letter from madonna. so i pointed out the connotations of 'manhunter' and he got pretty pissed. now he and the flash keep calling me 'green asshole' and even made a hurtful poem using the little poetry-word-piece-thingies that stick on the fridge in the jla watchtower. i'm gonna get drunk and listen to lucero.

ohgodohgodohgod...

2004-08-21T01:36:00.000-07:00

http://www.twistedimage.com/costume/superheroes/AGIMG_2417.jpg

oh. my. fucking. god.

evil do-ers beware

2004-08-21T01:01:00.000-07:00

star city smells like piss in the summer. the only thing that gets me thru my daily rooftop patrols is the new wilco album on my ipod.

BY THE WAY, IF YOU ARE A VILLIAN, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SHOOT ME IN THE FRONT LEFT POCKET REGION OF MY COSTUME, BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE MY IPOD IS. THIS IS MY THIRD ONE AND I'M GETTING REALLY TIRED OF UPLOADING THE SONGS OVER AND AGAIN.

i've been thinking about switching it out with neko case or something, cuz i keep catching myself daydreaming about jeff tweedy. the first obstacle to good crime fighting is suppressing masturbatory fantasies about quirky little men.

anyway, i've decided to keep this blog in the hopes that leonard cohen or loretta lynn will see it and come to star city on tour and give my good friend oliver queen some tickets or maybe a vip pass and then need rescuing from thugs in the general backstage loading/unloading area and then witness my bad-assitude and want to talk me.